The Google Tax

Another of those coincidences which pepper the life of the world’s mentor to the great and not-so-good…

Prone on the massage table, barely awake, just as Martina is working around the assegai scar on the left glute, from the door there’s a soft respectful knock, and one of the interns pokes in a tentative head to say Sergey Brin is asking if the Professor is available for a quick word. Stretch out a questing hand from under the warmth of sheltering towel. Into it intern places telephone. Bring telephone to seasoned man-of-the-world ear. Sergey’s sorry to disturb. Hopes it’s not inconvenient. First must say thanks for the new algorithm. Got rolled out to all datacentres on Saturday. Search times dropped by more than half. Wouldn’t like to be in shoes of CTO at Bing when news breaks. Etc etc. Effusive thanks are waved away. Next, had I heard about the UK tax issue. Not sure what to do for best. Grateful for any advice etc etc. Yes… yes…understand… marvellous…excellent, can’t thank me enough. One last favour… could I talk to Osborne?

Stretch out hand again. Telephone removed. Withdraw arm under towel.

Five minutes later, another tentative knock. The Chancellor is wondering if the Professor might be available for a quick word. Hand stretches out once more from under sheltering towel, clutches phone and brings it to careworn ear. Osborne's sorry to interrupt. Hopes it’s not inconvenient. First must say thanks for the report on interest rates. Was passed round MPC on Saturday. Deficit forecasts dropped by more than half. Wouldn’t like to be in shoes of shadow chancellor when news breaks. Etc etc. Effusive thanks waved away. Next, had I heard about the Google tax issue. Not sure what to do for best. Grateful for any advice etc etc. Yes… yes…understand… marvellous…excellent, can’t thank me enough. One last favour… could I talk to Brin?

Stretch out hand again. Telephone removed. Withdraw arm under towel.

Five minutes later, another tentative knock. Prime Minister wonders if the Professor might be available for a quick chat. Hand stretches out once more from under sheltering towel, clutches phone and brings it to now somewhat irritated ear. Cameron sorry to interrupt. Hopes it’s not inconvenient. First must say thanks for the intervention with Merkel. Emailed EU ministers on Saturday. Opposition to border reform dropped by more than half. Wouldn’t like to be in shoes of Corbyn when news breaks. Etc etc. Effusive thanks waved away. Next, had I heard about the row  between Google and Treasury.  Not sure what to do for best. Grateful for any advice etc etc. Yes… yes…understand… marvellous…excellent, can’t thank me enough. One last favour… could I talk to Osborne and Brin?
Those of you with the forbearance to have read this far through so much repetitive tripe will understand why my response to the last request was to utter into the telephone an old Danakil hunting oath. PM unsure what I mean. Tell him to Google it. Hurl telephone at intern's head.