The Kardashian-Hawking Inequality

Found in a dustbin in New York, what appears to be the transcript of an interview between a ‘famous celebrity’ KK and theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking.

KK- You’re really famous, right, for inventing black holes. Black’s really cool, but couldn’t you have them in other colours, like a gold hole?

SH- No.

KK- That’s such a shame, Sweetness. I was thinking that since they absorb everything you could make a really cool make-up removal pad by impregnating a sponge with lots of tiny black holes, but if the sponge was covered in black dots it might look dirty.

SH- The tiny black holes would absorb the sponge too.

KK- But we could use a really stiff sponge, right? I was wondering how heavy a tiny black hole would be.

SH-Mini black holes small enough to pepper a pad for make-up removal purposes would  be around  six hundred million, million, million, million tons.

KK- Hmmm… that sounds a bit too heavy. But they wouldn’t be burning hot like the Sun?

SH- No, the surface temperature of a small black hole is around 0.0000000001 of a degree above absolute zero.

KK- That’s really cool. Presumably that explains why they are called black-holes, right? The Hawking radiation given off at that temperature would have a frequency of… let me see (pauses to perform mental arithmetic) about 1500hz, millions of times less than that of visible light?

SH- Yes.

KK- I wrote a rap song for you to listen to while you do your experiments on black holes, to help you concentrate. I’ll sing it for you. (Leaps to feet, strikes nearby tuning fork against chassis of the Professor’s mobility scooter, and hums a note)

He lets his voice box do the talking

And we all know him as Stephen Hawking
He’s rightly famous across the nation
For discov’rin Hawking radiation
He became more famous by and by
For analysin’ Swartzchild radii
And for showing the likes of you and me

How to calculate black hole entropy

And one thing we like that’s really ace

Are the worm holes he’s found deep in space
No wonder his eyes are tired and bleary

From nights spent tackling quantum theory

When you see his conclusions on a graph

They make the Higgs Boson look really naff

I think he’s so very wise

He should have won a Nobel Prize

Some say he’s a bit of a miser

For have such a cheap old synthesiser

That gives him that distinctive voice

But we know really it’s a fashion choice

He could have a new one that would make him

Sound more like lovely sexy Kim

But I could think of nothing worse

Than talking about the universe

So hats off to clever clogs Stephen Hawking

Who’s days and nights of blackboard chalking

Have helped us understand our place

In the continuum we call space

Time.

Did you like it?

SH- I don’t do experiments. I’m a theoretical physicist.

KK - Didn’t you discover the Higgs Boson then?

SH (resentfully)- No.

KK – Is there going to be a Stephen Hawking Boson?